“It’s a stethoscope, not a microphone. I can’t hear your terrible singing any better with it.”

“I listen to hearts all day, but none of them have ever said anything interesting.”

“I’m sorry, did you think I was a doctor? I’m just here to make you feel awkward during your physical exam.”

“If only this stethoscope could tell me what my patients had for breakfast. I could finally solve the mystery of morning breath.”

“I’ve heard a lot of heartbeats in my career, but yours is definitely one of the weirdest. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I can hear your heartbeat, and it sounds like you’re really nervous too.”

“I’m like a detective, but instead of solving crimes, I’m just trying to figure out if you have a heart murmur.”

“Just once, I’d love to hear a patient’s heart say, ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ in a thick Brooklyn accent.”

“If I had a dollar for every time a patient asked me to diagnose their broken heart, I could retire and become a professional heart listener.”

“If you’re ever feeling lonely, just remember that I spend all day listening to hearts. Trust me, you’re not alone.”

“I became a doctor for the prestige and respect. Little did I know, I’d end up spending most of my time listening to people’s bowel sounds instead.”

“Don’t worry, your heartbeat may be irregular, but as long as you have a sense of humor, you’ll be just fine.”

“Sometimes I feel like my stethoscope is judging me for not becoming a rock star.”

“I’m sorry, but your heartbeat is just not catchy enough for me to remix it into a hit song.”

“I’m like a human lie detector, but instead of catching liars, I catch arrhythmias.”

“One day, my stethoscope is going to develop a voice and tell me all the secrets it has heard.”

“I thought becoming a doctor meant saving lives, but most of the time, it’s just me trying not to laugh at inappropriate bodily noises.”

“I can tell a lot about a person’s health by listening to their heart, but unfortunately, I still can’t predict lottery numbers.”

“I’ve been listening to heartbeats for so long that I can pick out the rhythm to any song. Maybe I should start a band!”

“I’m not just a doctor, I’m also a mindreader. Well, sort of. I can’t read your thoughts, but I can tell if your heart is racing from nervousness.”

“You know you’re a true doctor when you can distinguish between different heart murmurs and flavors of gum at the same time.”

“I wake up every morning and think to myself, ‘Today, I’m going to listen to hearts and take names.'”

“I’ve spent so much time with my stethoscope that we’ve developed a deep emotional bond. It’s like a listening buddy who never talks back.”