“I went to one of those obedience places once…it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.” – Gerry Fleck

“They say that every dog has his day, and I’m afraid today might be mine. Is there something that I could do to make it a little better for you, or… something I could do to… fix it?” – Harlan Pepper

“I would just like to say that this is nuts! It’s like a freak show in here!” – Cookie Fleck

“You know, I used to be able to name every nut that there was. And it used to drive my mother crazy, because she used to say, ‘Harlan Pepper, if you don’t stop naming nuts…’ And the joke was that we lived in Pine Nut, and I think that’s what put it in my mind at that point. So she would hear me in the other room, and she’d just start yelling. I’d say, ‘Peanut, hazelnut, cashew nut, macadamia nut…'” – Harlan Pepper

“Everybody says they have good sense of humor, but he actually does.” – Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III

“He’s really just a laughing yodeler.” – Stefan Vanderhoof

“We met at Starbucks. Not at the same Starbucks, but we saw each other at different Starbucks across the street from each other.” – Meg Swan

“We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.” – Scott Donlan

“They’re all trying to undermine our international sign.” – Stefan Vanderhoof

“All I ever wanted was to be a good dog to my master…and I failed him.” – Beatrice

“It’s just a dog show, Cookie. It’s not like dancing with the stars or something.” – Gerry Fleck

“I had a busy day today. I had to meet with my financial advisor. Mind you, I don’t have any money.” – Dr. Bernie Parker

“I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.” – Harlan Pepper

“I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a little in love with Karen’s dog.” – Stefan Vanderhoof

“Well, I don’t think I’m attracted to him, like, in a sexual way or anything like that, although he is the sexiest man in this room.” – Sherri Ann Cabot

“You know, there’s nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.” – Meg Swan

“All of his training is based on what I like to call the three D’s: discipline, dedication, and deportment.” – Sherri Ann Cabot

“It’s as though every instinct I have is telling me to run, but for some reason, I’m still here, rooting for Cindy and her cute, curly hair… and her many talents.” – Hamilton Swan

“I was just hoping that we could have some Junior Mints together… and watch the trailers, because the M&M’s hurt my teeth.” – Meg Swan

“You can knit anything, Meg, anything.” – Scott Donlan

“You know, you have a really good energy going on in here. It’s almost like you’re in a cult.” – Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III

“That dog would make a lovely coat.” – Scott Donlan

“You could decorate it with little decals and racing stripes… if it didn’t die so quickly.” – Stefan Vanderhoof

“The law of fives states simply that: All things happen in fives, or are divisible by or are multiples of five, or are somehow directly or indirectly appropriate to five.” – Harlan Pepper

“It’s like a… a spokesmodel for… a dog food commercial.” – Sherri Ann Cabot

“In the show, I’m alive in this world, right? But you don’t think of me, you don’t think of me in that world, even though you’re watching me, right?” – Rhapsody in White’s Handler

“You know, they say that dogs reflect their owners. I look into your eyes and I see myself.” – Sherri Ann Cabot

“She’s not just a dog. She’s an artist. She captures the essence of the human soul in her photos.” – Stefan Vanderhoof

“I’m a fossil in the world of the Internet.” – Dr. Theodore W. Millbank III

“We have no skeletons in our closet. In fact, we have no closet at all. We did have a closet once, but now we don’t.” – Hamilton Swan